I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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