apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
