Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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