She is in my trunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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