True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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