9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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