Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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