Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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