Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
