If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
