Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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