I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
