Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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