Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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