somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
