Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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