her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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