think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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