the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
