Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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