Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
