i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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