9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm at about main and main street
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
