I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
