The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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