Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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