We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
