Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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