please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
