oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
