I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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