the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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