Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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