just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
