I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
