was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
