It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
