You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
