well I can't set my house on fire every night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
