john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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