Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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