nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
