His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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