i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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