this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
