why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
