I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
