I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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