why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Randomize
