Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
