She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
