I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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